Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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