i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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