I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
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You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
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this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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