shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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