My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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