Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
