I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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