my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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