dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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