Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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