I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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