Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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