Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
