I am in a vortex of obligation.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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