I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.