I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Found the puke drawer
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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