I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
birth control should be required to get into college
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read