I murdered the dance floor call the cops
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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