just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
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I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
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yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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