I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen