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Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
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