Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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