I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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