he wants to bone in the snuggie
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
