FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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