I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
