Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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