Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
