why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
