my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
