When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
