WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize
