my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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