did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
