fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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