The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
