puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
