Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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