I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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