Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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