So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I am naked and annoyed.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
