i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
