Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Someone shattered a urinal.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
