i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
