As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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