booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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