A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
