So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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