kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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