Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
