it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I fill condoms, not promises.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
