So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
