how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
