remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
