Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
