just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
