How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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