Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...