I will die if light touches me.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
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i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
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he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags