i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
