my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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