Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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