So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
