So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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