Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
